Healing the Nervous System of Love
We’ve all been there: reaching for a connection that feels like a lifeline, only to realize it was a distraction from the deeper work we need to do. Recently, I had to confront this truth head-on.
I was craving the feeling of being seen—understood, appreciated, and valued. This wasn't just about a romantic partner; it was about filling a profound emptiness. While I had a beautiful support system in my friendships, I was starving for this validation in an intimate way.
That new connection arrived, and I collided with it. It felt magnetic, like our souls recognized each other instantly, fueled by what felt like pure fire. Every cell in my body said, finally. We bonded over shared experiences of being misunderstood, and the effortless conversations and attention felt like a salve. Our energy synced, and my nervous system exhaled for the first time in years.
The High-and-Crash Cycle
What I was actually doing was regulating my loneliness. I was emotionally starving, and this person’s attention felt like an instant fix.
This intense ignition is a classic unregulated nervous system response. We often mistake a mutual sense of being misunderstood—a trauma bond—for true emotional safety. The intensity is a dopamine hit that regulates us externally. We get the "high" of connection, but because the foundation is mutual wounding, the withdrawal inevitably triggers the crash.
The high was short-lived. Just as swiftly as our energy had synced, a sudden, emotional distance appeared.
To feel someone emotionally disappear after an experience of deep energetic connection is a pain that cracks something open. His withdrawal was the catalyst. My deepest fear of abandonment surfaced, and I went straight into "I'm not good enough," spiraling into self-doubt and confusion. The jarring shift revealed a dangerous pattern: I was tying my self-worth to someone else’s attention.
The Forge: Dismantling the Dysfunction
My immediate response was to retreat—not from truth, but from fear. We were both instantly trapped in old survival dances. What could have been a repair turned into a retreat. Though the chemistry was cosmic, the human timing was off, and the underlying pattern was unstable.
If the start of our connection was the spark, the following month was the unraveling. A harsh, clarifying reality check stepped in and demanded: "That connection was intoxicating. But is it sustainable? Is it regulated?"
This became the forge—the necessary, painful purification. Communication glitches, push/pull dynamics, and chaos reigned. The intensity was undeniable, but the patterns underneath it were unstable. The universe wasn't destroying the connection; it was dismantling the dysfunction.
The period of silence hurt, but looking back, I see the alchemical process clearly: The silence was not punishment; it was the refinement that strips you bare so truth can breathe. We were both being asked:
Can you tell the difference between chemistry and regulation?
Can you love without losing yourself?
The Gold: Anchoring into the Feminine Rhythm
As the silence bled into October, the old self—the version of me who tolerated emotional starvation—was gone. The leaden, wounded metal was shed.
This is the ultimate alchemy: I realized the power of transmuting the Reactivity (my abandonment trigger) into Regulation (my calm nervous system).
The crisis was an amplified, painful version of the healthy, natural Feminine Rhythm of Expansion and Contraction. My wound was trying to maintain the "high" of expansion, fearing the necessary contraction (retreating, processing, letting go). The real gold is learning to self-regulate through the contraction phase—to choose the inner work—so that the next expansion is built on wholeness, not hunger.
The silence forced me to anchor into self-worth so I would stop mistaking intensity for intimacy.
Now, I can hold the magic without abandoning myself to keep the connection. I will not settle for scraps of attention or shrink to make someone else comfortable. I will not question my worth because someone else couldn't see it.
He was the match, we were the flame, the period of chaos was the forge, and I am the gold. The fire came not to destroy, but to shake the soul awake. I didn't lose the magic; I alchemized the pain into personal power.
That fierce personal power is your true lifeline. This is how you take the gold you forged and anchor it into your daily practice:
Your Bravery is the Lifeline
Identify the True Craving: Are you hungry for a person, or for the feeling they provide—attention, validation, or a sense of worth?
Recognize a Distraction for What It Is: That "lifeline" connection is an escape that prevents you from doing the harder, more essential work of facing the emptiness within your own life.
Practice Self-Regulation Over External Regulation: When you feel triggered, instead of chasing external validation, turn inward. Stay present with yourself. Hold your boundaries. Offer yourself kindness.
Let Go of What You Can't Control: You may never get the closure or apology you feel you deserve. But you have the power to speak your truth, honor your feelings, and choose not to settle.
You have the power to close the chapter and honor your own heart. That is bravery. That is strength. And that is what gratitude feels like—when you can thank the fire that forged you.
