The Lie of Equal Energy: Why “Visible Effort” is the Real Key to Love and Health
Last time, I talked about the energetic current of October — how change stirs both stillness and momentum. But what if the belief that we’re meant to sustain the same energy every day is part of what’s keeping us unbalanced?
**This piece is part of my October series exploring energy, duality, and the nervous system — a journey through attunement, unlearning, embodiment, and integration.
Several months ago, I was having a conversation with a friend about relationships, and I remember boldly stating, “I will no longer engage with people who don’t bring equal energy.”
At the time, that felt like gospel truth. I had just made the decision to end my marriage. I had also come back from a profound wilderness moment with God—one of those encounters that shakes you and remakes you. Out there, I learned something I had been chasing my whole life: my heart is good enough. The deep desires I carry for faith, love, and family are not too much. They are possible. I can live in light and love while still holding accountability.
That realization gave me courage. I started protecting my peace, my health, my calling. In business, it was crystal clear: if you don't show up with the same intensity I do, we won't vibe. Equal energy was the unwavering standard.
But in love? And in health? I’ve come to see it completely differently.
The Myth of 50/50 and the Reality of Ebb and Flow
The idea of a relationship being a strict 50/50 split is a beautiful lie.
Brené Brown talks about how relationships aren’t about perfectly balanced score-keeping; they’re about communication. If I wake up with 40% today, my partner needs to know so he can lean in and come with 60%. If tomorrow he’s at 10% because of a crushing deadline or illness, then I show up with 90%. That’s what real, sustainable love looks like—a constant, reciprocal ebb and flow.
Where it gets unhealthy is when one person is carrying 90% most of the time. That’s not a partnership; that’s a slow-burn imbalance that leads to burnout and resentment.
Scripture actually echoes this dynamic: “Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.” (Galatians 6:2). It’s not about one person carrying everything forever—but about both people being willing to lean in when the other is weak.
Energy vs. Effort: The Key Distinction for Women
The truth is, energy is cyclical. This is the core principle of Cultivated Health.
As women, we are not wired to show up the same every single day. Our bodies, our hormones, our emotions move in rhythms. We are cyclical, not linear. Diets, exercise programs, and relationship demands that require 100% linear consistency are setting us up for failure and imbalance.
That’s where grace comes in. Love is sometimes carrying more because the person you love can’t right now. Grace is also what we give ourselves when our body asks for rest during the luteal or menstrual phase of our cycle.
But grace doesn’t erase responsibility.
Effort still matters.
Especially when loving someone who struggles with trauma, depression, or anxiety. They may not have 100% of their energy to give. But they can and must show effort. They can communicate what’s going on, and they can take visible, sustained steps toward healing.
Because a partner cannot carry 90% forever. Eventually, that weight has to swing back. Love is patient and kind, yes, but love is also reciprocal.
Your Cyclical Health is Rooted in Grace and Effort
Just like in relationships, your health journey isn't about showing up with 100% energy every single day. It’s about visible effort to align with your cycle.
The small, consistent choices—eating nourishing foods for the phase you are in, respecting your cycle by adjusting your movement, resting when your body asks for it—are what sustain long-term healing and hormonal harmony.
This core distinction between fluctuating energy and consistent effort is the foundation of my CycleSMART class.
At Cultivated Health, we teach you the strategies to make that effort even when your energy is at 40%. We help you reject the linear myth and work with your biology, not against it.
Striving for an 80/20 lifestyle (good choices 80% of the time) feels more sustainable and human than demanding 100% perfection that ignores your natural rhythms.
The Truth I Took Home
When I told my friend about my rigid “equal energy” rule, he stopped me and said, “It’s not about equal energy. It’s about effort.”
And you know what? He was right.
When we release the expectation of constant output, we begin to make room for contrast — the duality that defines real healing.
Energy will rise and fall. That’s normal. Effort—the choice to keep showing up, even when it’s messy—that’s what sustains love and health.
What I’m holding onto instead of rigid balance is something more fluid, more human, more sustainable: grace + visible effort.
Because isn’t that what love is? An ebb and flow, held together by grace, sustained by effort, and strengthened by God.
Reflection
Where in your life do you need to release the demand for linear, “equal energy” and look instead for visible, cyclical effort? How can you practice patience, grace, and small consistent effort—toward yourself, your relationships, or your health—this week?
My Prayer for you…
Lord, thank You for the reminder that love is not about keeping score. Teach us how to carry one another with patience and grace, without losing sight of responsibility. Show us how to recognize real effort, even when energy is low. Help us release the patterns and expectations that no longer serve us, and rebuild relationships and habits that are rooted in kindness, honesty, and faith. May we walk in the kind of love and care that reflects Your heart—steady, forgiving, and always moving toward wholeness. Amen.
